Retirement comes

I am formally retiring this blog. Mostly because only two people read it, me and andyc. Thanks to everyone (that means you, andyc) for being such a great audience!

Get skinny by taking this pill! Really!

First, check out this article.

I'm tired of all the scams, of the "low carb" phenomenon, the Atkins and South Beach diets, the magic pills you hear ads for on the radio... "I lost 50 lbs. by taking Redux 196! It's changed my life! Thanks, Redux 196!"

Why do people believe these things? It's really not hard to lose weight. Ok, maybe it's hard. But it's not difficult to figure out how. How is easy. Doing it is hard, but if you just go for it, it happens.

My magic pill: eat less, exercise more. I haven't mastered this yet, but I'm working on it. I'm actually eating 30-50% less than I used to, and I exercise much more regularly. I feel more fit that I have in a long time. It's quite amazing how out of shape you can get - I remember a time when running a mile was the hardest thing, I barely survived. Actually I remember several times. The first time was 5th grade. The second was 7th grade. The third was my sophomore year in college. The fourth...

But now, 3-5 miles seems like normal. Just gotta keep it up. I refuse to be that old man that can't help but sit down because his butt is 75% of his body.

Rude online daters

So I've been trying out this online dating thing (shh! it's a secret!). I've discovered several things about the online dating community:

1) Even though everyone is there for the same reasons, nobody is willing to take a chance
2) People aren't even courteous enough to reply and say, "sorry - not interested"
3) All the guys are looking for supermodels
4) All the girls are looking for Brad Pitt or Orlando Bloom (the only reason why Troy will do well this summer)
5) Craigslist feels like the red-light district

I know some of my friends have had good luck with the online dating thing, but I can't see how it works out if nobody is willing to take a risk. I might as well chat up random strangers on the subway.

Amazing new invention idea!

Recently, I traveled to Rhode Island. It's a pretty little state, and about a 4 hour drive. Luckily, I had some passengers with me who could feed me, give me water, and the like.

However, what if you were on a long drive by yourself? This is where the amazing new invention idea comes in! Driver Feed Bags. It would be brilliant! You just hang one around your neck, and when you're hungry or thirsty, just take a bite or sneak a sip!

I wonder why Earthlings haven't thought of this idea yet...

Earth girls look good (from the back, and 100 ft away).

One thing I have definitely noticed is that almost every female looks good from the back. Especially if you are a good distance away (let's say, 100 feet).

Long hair helps too. From that distance, every girl could be the girl of your dreams. So you walk a little faster to see if you can catch up, and when you do, you shoot a furtive glance to the side to confirm (or deny) your suspicions.

Usually, I am denied.

Favorite stall?

At my job, I've developed a favorite stall. I don't know why it's my favorite, I just like it. Maybe it's the fact that it's one of few stalls that lock (actually, that's definitely one of the reasons). Maybe it's because the stall is generally clean. Maybe it's because the graffiti is interesting ( on a side note - who walks around with Sharpies in their pockets so they can do public restroom graffiti? I think that's a strange behavior... ).

It's like an old friend, that I can count on each day.

Point of no return

In the last week, I've had several instances where I've been caught in the rain. Up until last year, I didn't own an umbrella, so that was my excuse then. Now that I own an umbrella, I find myself in the following dilemma:

1) I hate carrying extraneous things, even "just in case".
2) Whenever I carry an umbrella, it never rains.
3) Whenever I don't carry an umbrella, it rains.
4) I always think the rain doesn't warrant an umbrella.

So when is the point of no return? When is it too late to go back and get an umbrella, to admit you were wrong?

I find that my point of no return is as soon as the door to my apartment closes behind me. If I made a mis-estimation of the weather, I must live with my mistake for the rest of the day. This is why sometimes I appear wet. I am.

It's getting hot in herre!

I don't know about you PUNY EARTHLINGS, but the planet Irk has a much more pleasant climate. It's a perfect 68 Earth Fahrenheit degrees all the time, everywhere. Here on Earth, temperatures vary wildly! It wreaks havoc on my Irken body!

My body for some reason is only happy between 68 and 72 degrees Fahrenheit. Any less, it's freezing. Any more, I'm sweating like Anna Nicole chasing a hot dog in the desert. Some earthlings I know don't sweat at all. This particular earthling can play a 3 set match of tennis, not sweat, not shower, and be OK.

It's not fair. I dread summer (especially wearing work clothes on the primitive "subway").